nawawalang bata

'This has nothing to do with love."

2005-06-02T08:50:00.000+08:00

"One does not love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. If we act that way, we are perceiving the other as a simple object, and we are seeing ourselves as wise and generous persons. This has nothing to do with love. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God." -Thomas Merton

soul searching

2005-05-24T13:36:00.000+08:00

lately i felt lost. felt lost because i think i lost my faith. nothing's been happening that much this summer and it made me realize how superficial i am and i was. i wasnt just superficial, i'm also a self centered person. i keep on searchig for my home. but home (i guess) is far from sight. i prayed but not deep enough, not real enough to touch my soul.
somebody told me i live a very boring life. i'm not! i'm how with how simple my life is. i'm afraid that if i will not keep it this way, i'll be far more superficial than i am and far more materialistic. this is the only way i can keep Christ in my heart and my faith. He's my strength, source of joy, direction in mylife, and the only purpose that i'm alive. i want to serve not because i was born a servant but because i'm a christian who loves God. Doing what i have, need, and want to do for Him.
I'm donna/Bituin. and this is who i am. a girl who loves Christ. =)

BRO+SIS=siblings not by blood but by heart

2005-05-06T16:29:00.000+08:00

bro,

please have faith. have faith in God. He knows why all these things have to happen right now. i know you're hurt and is going through the most unimaginable situation. i know and feel that you're scared. Its alright. everything will be alright in the end. You made me feel how much you love me when life got tougher for me 4 years ago. Now, let me do that to you. You told me you know how much i love you but i think i never did actually showed it to you. I've been like your baby sister all these years. I never did grew up not 'til now that you're the one who needs the care and love you used to give me. i cried (again) when i was praying for tita shirley. i wish for her to have a long life eventouigh it seems very impossible i know. but i believe that faith can really move mountains. i prayed and asked God to cure her and give her health back. i prayed so hard that i even fell asleep. I also asked him if it's not in his will for tita shirley to live longer without the pain brought about by cancer, i pray that during her last days her pain will go away making it possible for her to spend time with her love ones fully. i have to ask you now to pray. pray with all your heart, your soul, and with everything that you've got for tita shirley. please believe. please have faith. please.
i love you bro! you know that i do and i promise i'll always be beside you in everything that you have to go through.
dont be scared. God's always with you. you just have to believe. and I'm also here for you.
your favorite sis,
dOnNa

x'css: ingat ka po prati ha. text me or just call at home if you need anything. =)

PLEASE PRAY FOR TITA SHIRLEY!!!PLEASE!!!

2005-05-06T16:17:00.000+08:00

hi! i need you guys to help me pray for my bestfriend's step mom. Ralph's stepmom is suffering because she has cancer and it's in the final stage. Ralph told me that her days are numbered. I cried when he told me about it. I believe that God can make impossible things happen that's why i've been praying for her. please help me the more people pray for one thing the more it can come true. i've been praying for TITA SHIRLEY MARTINEZ'S life. It seems impossible to ask God to cure her and not to let her die but God is the most powerful and i know he can make it happen. deep in my heart i'm asking God to give me a miracle and spare tita Shirley i'm hoping not just against hope but also against everything. i also believe that there's a big possibility that God may not grant my wish, prayer, and the miracle i've been asking him. if that's the case i just pray (please pray as well) that God will take away all the pain and suffering tita Shirley's been going through. i pray that if in God's will tita Shirley's time here on earth is over, she'll find her way to heaven and find peace and eternal life, joy, and love in Jesus' company.
i haven't met her yet (and you dont know a single thing about her) but please i beg you please pray for tita Shirley. she really needs our prayers.. please.. i'll be forever grateful if you do..please.. thanks! and may god bless you and everybody you love! *****DONNA*****

IN NEED OF PRAYERS

2005-04-06T18:32:00.000+08:00

please pray for everybody who's taking up physics2 kasi sobrang natatakot kaming lahat bumagsak.. please we really need your prayers.. thanks! ***donna****

LOVELIFE muna at ang mga TROPA

2005-04-02T20:47:00.000+08:00

i miss spending time with kath and yola.. sana mabuo ulit nag powerpuff girls.namimiss ko na kayu eh..
i almost cried kanina. ralph (my bestfriend) sent me a text message a couple of nights ago. i wasnt able to reply kasi scarcity of resources eh.. :) anyway, i sent him a text message the following morning and was calling him the whole day pero got no answer. i started to worry and as i was worrying and contemplating of how i was and am as a friend, i realized i miss him and my other best friends a lot and wasnt able to spend time with them since we entered college. i was afraid that its too late for me to patch things up and to catch up with them. i was going to cry then suddenly my mobile phone beeps and ralph finally did reply. he told me he's sorry, he wasnt able to reply as soon as he can and couldnt answer my calls because he's sick. i told him that i was on the verge of crying. i called up all our common friends but nobody's answering. i indicated that it's done with "little tears na and sobrang worried na ako!!" he said he's sorry for couple of times more. i said its ok and that he should rest. i miss him soooo muchh!!! by the why he calls me sis and i call him bro! i miss that the most and especially the way he tells his story. he laughs his heart out first before he starts telling me what happened. talk about sharing happiness. =) i'm glad his okay. i also sent a text message to ryan (bestfriend ko din). i told him how much i miss him. well, he just replied with: i miss u 2. haba ng sabi ko yun yung sagot niya. =) i was trying to call wella, my girl best friend pero couldnt reach her at the moment baka she's at the beach or somewhere out there. she invited me but couldnt come 'coz its FINALS WEEK!!!! =( Oh, Krisitine SEXY, told me she loves me. she's also a very close friend. =)
alan: we havent seen each other for quite sometime now. i'm too busy with a lot of things and we both agreed to meet up after my finals. he just reassured me that he loves me. and kept on telling me and reminding me that its time for me to eat. (lately, i have no time to eat.) i kept on telling him i will pero hindi ko rin nagagawa so dont tell him. he'll get angry at me. =) we're both excited for this term to end. we havent spend time with each other. well, my neighbor thinks his one of mom's nephews kasi he's a regular "visitor" at home. its just that during school days he's here at home, we're spending lotsa' time with each other, yeah! but studying. we're looking forward for our "shopping spree" day. =) di ko lang alam kung libre lahat =) ..sana libre..hehe..
hope to be with a lot of people lately but i know in time after everything that i have to do in school i'll see them.
by the way, ryan's a talented artist. sobrang galing mag paint. nag model ako sa kanya before pero he wasnt able to finish it kasi inabot kami ng gabi and its too hard daw to mix the paints and get the right intensity of the color or something like that. we plan to do it again this summer hopefully matapos na. the first painting was his version of juan luna's mi esposa. we want to enter it to metrobank's painting contest. ryan couldnt finsih it on time for the deadline.
enough na nga baka makwento ko na lahat ng nangyari sa buhay ko.. maiyak pa ako at matawa pa kayu!! =)
anyway, YOLES and KATH, I MISS YOU GALS!!!KATH, SEE YOU IN FULL HOUSE!!KILIG!!!!! YOLES KAYA MO YAN!! CHEM LANG YAN!!! NANDYAN NAMAN SI PARENG ROY EH!! =) AT SATING TATLO: KAYA NATIN ANG PHYSICS2!!! =)
god bless
ryan, ralph, mauris, chito, renren, i miss you guys hope to see you all soon.
ryan, hope to "work" (work daw oh!) with you this summer and spend time with you again.
ralph, i miss you soo much bro! i'll see you next week promise! sana ako pa din favorite sis mo ha...
mauris, cute na cute na best!! musta ka na??ako??syempre sexy best pa din!
renren- prehas tayung busy kaya di makapag text at usap. god bless sa inyu ni richelle. =) wag mo naman siya awayin.. =)
chito!!! bakit hindi ka na nagpupunta dito sa haws!!!! namimiss na kita!! nasaan ka na?? kala ko ba manunuod tayu ng movie?? si white monkey mark may utang pa sa akin yan ha 3 years na yun noh!! may interest sabihin mo!! =)

**************DONNA**********************

“HAPPINESS IS SOMETHING YOU CHOOSE. WHETHER I LIKE MY ROOM OR NOT DOESN’T DEPEND ON HOW IT IS ARRANGED. IT’S HOW I ARRANGE MY MIND.”

2005-04-02T20:44:00.000+08:00

I’ll share a story I read. It’s short but very inspirational so I hope you read through it not just with your eyes, mouth, and mind but also with an open heart. J
Several years ago I read a story about a 92-year-old Christian woman who was legally blind. In spite of her limitation, she was always neatly dressed, with her hair carefully brushed, and her makeup tastefully applied. Each morning she would meet the new day with eagerness.
After her husband of 70 years old died, it became necessary for her to go to a nursing home where she could receive proper care. On the day of the move, a helpful neighbor drove her there and guided her into the lobby. Her room wasn’t ready, so she waited patiently in the lobby for several hours.
When an attendant finally came for her, she smiled sweetly as she maneuvered her walker to the elevator. The staff member described her room to her, including the new curtains that had been hung on the windows. “I love it,” she declared. “But Mrs. Jones, you haven’t seen your room yet,” the attendant replied. “That doest have anything to do with it,” she said. “Happiness is something you choose. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how it’s arranged. It’s how I arrange my mind.”
The Bible says, “Rejoice in the Lord” (Philippians 4:4). Remind yourself often of all that Jesus has given to you and be thankful. That’s how to arrange your mind. –David Roper (excerpt from Our Daily Bread, April 1, 2005)

Our Daily Bread

2005-04-02T20:39:00.000+08:00

It’s a daily companion book with 2 versions. The first version is with Scripture text and the other version just contains the verses from the bible that is suggested to be read per day and has inspirational messages or examples that explains the verses from the bible. My mom bought the first version, but I kept on borrowing it and I always fail to return it where my mom keeps it. Thus, making it impossible for her to read it continuously (because I always misplaced it somewhere in the house). So, she bought the other version and gave me the first set she bought.
I’m writing about it because it never failed to touch not just my heart but my soul as well. Its as if every time I read through it I feel that God’s talking with me. I always ask for reasons behind the events that happened in my life and are happening and I always get my answers as I flip and read through the pages.
I saw how selfish I can be, I saw how unconsciously self-serving I was, I saw why I suffer a lot, I saw how I cope with the pain that I feel, and most importantly I saw hope. See?! Most of my sentences start with “I”. J
Anyway, a couple of months ago I was searching for Christ. WHY? I thought I found him before. I did but only to realize that I lost him because of my own doing. Then, I started to feel that I have a calling to serve those that are less privileged that I am. I asked myself (continuously asking ‘til now) how could I serve out of love if I don’t know how to love. I asked a friend before about it but I was too confused and too preoccupied to be able to comprehend what he’s telling me. I reread his reply and finally realized that the only way to love, to serve, and to live life is to know who Christ is. That’s the reason why I started my search. I never thought that my search would open my eyes to the reality that I cannot exist fully without Him. Time was against me a couple of months ago. I have responsibilities that take too much of my time and my energy, making me stop my search and felt lost again. Then suddenly…
A miracle happened. I felt Him in my life again. How? I really don’t know exactly. My heart heard somebody calling me to pray the rosary and read the bible. At first I was hesitant but the call became stronger and stronger. His presence became closer and closer. I finally opened my bible and read through it with the accompaniment of the “Our Daily Bread”. I felt His words in my heart and not in my head. I wasn’t thinking at that time I was feeling. I felt great! More than great but I wish I could just put it into words! It was late and usually at that time I’m sleepy. But I wasn’t my heart and my soul is overflowing with joy and all I wanted to do at that time was to pray the rosary as a sign that I’m really joyful. I call that moment a miracle because all my fears and doubts came about. As I was praying the rosary, I have this constant fear that if I stayed up too late I wouldn’t be able to have enough enthusiasm and energy the next day but I told myself to have faith and that God will give me strength, which He did by the way. I was wrong to doubt Him and His love for me. Second incident while praying the rosary is the weirdest so far I ever encountered. There are times at night that I would feel very scared because I feel a very negative and bad aura enveloping me. I feel that the devil is in my room, beside me, and was enveloping me with a certain kind of a negative feeling(bad, very bad feeling). I used to fight it by hiding under my pillows ‘til I fall asleep. That night, I gathered my entire courage even if my whole body’s shivering from fear, and prayed a personal prayer then continued with the rosary. What I asked God as I pray for a moment? I asked him to cast away the evil around me because it scares me a lot. I asked Him to take it all away. He did! J Last event, as I was nearing the end of the fourth joyful mystery a cockroach made me jump off of my bed. I was surprised to see a cockroach in my room!! I’m used to seeing cockroach but not in my room. I’m quite sensitive with the place that I’m staying at because I get sick or have asthma attack if it’s dirty or not cleaned for several days. I just happened to clean my room at that time and was sure that there’s no insect of any sort inside. But I guess I was wrong. Well, I stopped for a while trying to locate where the cockroach went and was planning to kill it. I’m not as small as the cockroach and definitely not as fast as it can fly or crawl, so no luck for me there. I continued with the lights on this time and finish praying the rosary.
I turned off the lights then went to sleep. The following day, I felt recharge and inspired to do everything that I need to do and I didn’t felt tired at all. Since that night, I feel Jesus walks with me.
*I usually don’t like the idea of coming home after school because I couldn’t bear the situation here at home but after that night I kept on looking forward to being at home. This time I’m not just coming home to my parents and brother but I’m also coming home to Jesus.

LOST

2005-03-04T19:08:00.000+08:00

I’ve been missing a lot in life ever since you’re gone. I’ve been missing you terribly for all my life is you. I forgot how it feels like to be with you. How fun it is just to be real and free. I’ve buried the days of joy in my memory. I forgot how it feels like to laugh my heart out. I forgot what you used to believe that tomorrow is a brand new day. I forgot that sometimes the shoes I’m wearing don’t really fit me. I forgot that the clothes people wear is just to protect them from the harsh environment but that doesn’t mean that the clothes define who you really are. I’m always lost and every time I’ll find my way back I’ll get lost again. What seems to be missing? It always feels that I left something every time I move on with my journey. I always go where the tide brings me never realizing I was losing you. I’ve changed my number a lot of times just so you know. Stupid thing is that I’m still waiting for you to give me a call. How can you reach me? I’ve tried so hard to erase any possible way that can lead you to me. I’ve met a lot of people, been with them, left them, and restart a new! Yet something’s missing. That’s you! I’ve changed styles, habits, and my whole self just to be whom I thought you’d be proud of. I thought I was doing pretty okay but not complete. I’ve been traveling different paths, different road but never a time I felt like that place is home. Searched almost every opportunity just to feel the gap you left in my life but nothing can ever replace you. Nothing can ever do replace you! I’m sorry for I never had the guts to stand by you all these time. I never had the courage to fight for you. I never had faith in you. I wish in time I’ll be with you again. I’ll be wishing and praying for you to comeback. You see how can I be me without the Donna that I was, is, am, and forever will be.

second anniversary

2005-02-20T21:00:00.000+08:00

it's been two years since i ventured into a relationship i'm not quite sure why but just felt to say yes. the weird thing was at that time i'm completely happy for being single and unattached. i prayed deeply to God that if ever a guy will come along i dont expect him to be the right one but i beg Him to please make it somebody who came from Him (God). I asked (begged actually) that if i'll be coming across a guy or a new relationship in that case I pray with all my heart that it will not be the same self serving relationship that i used to have. Also, at that time most of my prayers were thanksgiving prayers and i also pray for my exs that they will find the happiness they are looking for. Those were the days that i feel happy because i'm starting to live a life, my life as an independent "unit". And because i feel that i'm happy because of Jesus and not because of a guy who makes me feel special ones in a while then will make me cry most of the time. i know and feel that Jesus was with me all the time. Then, surprising day came. I was able to talk to a close (dear) friend of mine for 5 years. When we met 7 years ago i felt something different towards him. (not the crush or in love type) something that made me value him as one of my dearest friends. I felt that somehow i'm connected to him in a different way. I was being set up with a different guy at that time, whom i really dont like. I felt that this guy is so out there. i mean he still doesnt know what he wants in life. (magulo siya in short). Events started to take a different twist. the friend who was setting me up to the guy? Well, he's the one i'm celebrating this special day with. He at that time wanted to change badly. He wanted to be with someone that could influence him in a good way and he's tired of living the life he lived it to be. We didnt click right away, even if we've been friends for a long time. You see that's the time i realized that being friends with someone is completely different from being in a romantic relationship with him. The sense of sharing a part of your life with that person. a part that's different from what we used to share as friends. a part where we need to be transparent in a way that we dont will it to be, a way that the relationship will become a process of getting to know each other system all over again. its been hard adjusting. very difficult. we're two completely different people. the only aspect we have in common at that time was the passion to eat. that's all. we spend our first few weeks telling both of our parents, and we went to church for the first two sundays of our first month. months and months have past we discover a lot from each other. then in the middle we both decided that we need to part ways for a while. part ways in a sense that we need to be an individual first before we can share. I mean both of our lives at that was not fully "formed", unstable, and we're both facing a lot of problems because we're setting things right for our lives. at that time our relationship suffered. We both recognize the fact that things are not working out. So, he decided to call it off for a while 'til we figure out who we are, solve our problems individually, set things right, and be a stable person apart from each other. in short, there's nothing YET for us to share to each other except for the chaos that we're experiencing. it was a painful yet worth it decision that we made. in almost a year we're able to find who we are as 2 individuals, we were able to figure out what we want in our lives individually, and we were able to settle our lives apart. Those times were very crucial to me. I'm very dependent, childish, selfish, demanding, and very stubborn. I must admit that i cried a lot during that first year. that's the time were my faith was being tested in a sense that will i stick with this person (whom i recognized as God's sent). I cry a lot and pray for its always a make or break for me. There are times that i have to grow up and stop being childish, after that tomorrow i'll be battling another. (selfishness). its been a struggle for me everyday. there were times that i wanted to give up but when i list down in my head the reasons why i want to give up more reasons to stay were the things i'll find. I prayed always prayed for strength and guidance. Well, alan and i made it thru. our second year was spent in finishing the whole school year with good grades. We pretty much was able to do that. We didnt celebrate this day together. He spent it studying for his defense in school. I ended my day with a mass, lit up 4 candles at the light chapel, and say my very own thanksgiving prayer. our old friends from high school were all shocked to see him the way he is compared to who he was before. me? well, i'm shocked with the changes that occured to me in just two years. I realized that this relationship made me push myself to the limit and was able to break a part of myself perception that's been holding me back. =) i'm less fearful of life than i used to be. =)

Prayer:
thank you Lord for the blessings alan and i received for the past two years. thank you for the guidance you'vemade available through our parents. thank you for our friends who never failed to give us reality check once in a while. thank you for the love, blessing, and protection that you've given me and alan as a couple and as individuals. thank you for you became the strength and the guiding light of our love for each other. You continuously send somebody or something to make us feel that you're there and that you're guiding us. I offer everything to you Lord. This day will never be one of the happiest day alan and i have if it wasnt for you. alan and i wouldnt be together (still) today if you didnt shower us with your blessings. thank you lord for the heartaches, tears, and pain for it made the realtionship strong. thank you for the happy moments alan and i spent together. thank you lord! thank you! =)

3 MAGNIFICAT

2005-02-13T19:45:00.000+08:00

everytime i feel that i'm lost and that i'm going in circles, i listen to a cd given to my dad as a christmas gift from the parish priest near us.. i dont want to sound like a "pirated" cd that keeps on singing/playing the same line. i also dont want to sound superficial or plastic. this is the side of me i'm not so good in sharing to all of my friends. well, here goes. i feel lost without Christ. i feel empty and tired and most of all restless everytime i dont feel his presence. most of my days i'm happy not because i dont have any problems. i'm happy for i'm blest to have known him and is currently being introduce to Him all over again. I'm blest with the unconditional love that i most of the time fail to recognize and believe. I prayed for alot of things, for myself and for other people. some came true most of them dont. one thing i know for sure. The prayers God answered was worth more than i thought they would. He answered them to make me see the right way to live. The way for my life to be lived is through Christ. With this i mean, that i believe in him and i accept him in my life, my heart, and my soul. I've been very selfish and self serving most of my life. I wish to know Him so that i can share myself to others that they will have the chance to know how He changed my life. He showed me miracles.(for me they are) He showed me pain to learn how to value what i have. He showed me suffering to learn how to grow. I pray that somehow when the right time comes that I came to know more about Christ i'll be able to share it with you. So you'll also be happy even if you're facing life's trial(s). I want to share the happiness inside me, the joy that i feel, the completeness that makes me whole, that somehow you'll also know how much Christ loves you. ANyway, here's the lyrics of the song i love to sing and listen to:

3 MAGNIFICAT
all that i am,sings of the God
who brings new life to birth in me.
My spirit soars on the wings of my Lord.

My soul gives glory to the Lord, rejoicing in my saving God,
Who looks upon me in my state, and all the world will call me blest for God works marvel in my sight and holy, holy is God's name.

God's mercy is from age to age, on those who follow in fear, whose arm is power and strength, and scatters all the proud of heart, who cast the mighty from their thrones, and raises up the lowly ones.

God fills the starving with good things, the rich are left with empty hands, protecting all the faithful ones, rememb'ring Israel with mercy, the promise known to those before, and to their children forever.

x'css: i'll be willing to lend you the cd if you want. its a compilation of songs and if you listen to it at the end of the day (especially when you're tired) it will lift your spirit up. i promise! =) dont make me sing the song ha.. kasi baka bumagyo summer na summer pa naman.. hehe.. =) God bless po! =)

2005-01-22T21:19:00.000+08:00

i saw this picture and its kinda' cool. i cannt put it in the pic for the blogger. so post ko na lang.. =)

Posted by Hello

a time for change

2005-01-22T20:13:00.000+08:00

i've been dealing with my insecurities for a long time now. yes! you heard me right! insecurities! though its not that obvious but it really shows. the silence and being just the girl sitting at the end of the room reading a book or doing something. that's the acceptable manifestation of my insecurities. i've been holding on to people (person in particular) and things for all the wrong reasons. a friend told me, to be able to love, i must learn how to love myself first. My religion professor also taught us the same thing. According to him, to be able to love others a person must know him/herself first, meaning his/her nature. This way you'll know what's your purpose and how you can productively share yourself to others. i was so afraid that i might lose this person and hang on to him even if it means pushing myself to the limit, even if it means being too critical to myself. i've lost my ego, my self-esteem, and basically myself all in all. i've risked a lot just to protect myself. In so doing, i caused more harm for myself than good. wishing that i can turn back time and undo everything that i've done. talk about regret. =) as i end my day, i feel happy for i've pushed myself so hard that it reached the end of the road, forcing me to make a decision. A decision to change. Compromise doesn't work anymore. I've been compromising for a long time, which made me lose the real me. This time I found strength to move on and really change. Strength that God gave me thru my friends. Strength to face the truth and deal with it. Everything that I've done lately (i think my whole life) was selfishness. I always thought of myself first. (shown by fears which held me back, insecurities that paralized me for a long time, etc.. that hinders self and spiritual growth) Always me! Always I! Never realizing that I didnt live and was born just for myself but also for other people. People who needs help, who needs somebody like me. I found strength to face life, face reality, face the truth that life is not perfect. Imperfections make the world a complete and perfect system composed of people created for each other (but most of us dont realize that yet). I'll be going through a new journey. A journey that will open a new chapter in my life in the world of "maturity". My journey home has just begun. I pray that when i reach home and Father asked me what I've done with the life He has given me, I can honestly admit that i spent my life loving not just the person i've spent my life with but also i spent my life loving HIS people through service... Praise be the Lord for He is the God of UNCONDITIONAL love.. *bituin*

poems

2005-01-13T20:15:00.000+08:00

i love to write poems when i want to say something but i couldnt say it directly. i've posted poems that i wrote. i included the date and time becasue on that day something happened to me why i wrote that poem. i dont have the habit of cheking for gramatical errors and typo + spelling errors..sorry in advance.. i dont read what i've written over and over again..it gives me the idea of throwing it away.. hope you enjoy reading!! =) ****donna***

complete

2005-01-13T20:10:00.000+08:00

is it the how much or the how many?
i dont know for sure
i've counted them all but still
emptiness surrounds me.
finding your self,
being who you are
standing for what you believe in
fighting for what is right.
the principle of life
is to
know how to play the game
and yet
have the integrity in the end.
what for?
then you'll search for meaning
but can you find it there?
if you do
then,
my friend, i'm happy for you.

donna razon
Monday, 28 July, 2003
10:43:20 PM

i am nothing

2005-01-13T20:09:00.000+08:00

a gentle breeze, warm smile
loving heart, cheerful soul
fresh air, starry night
empty eyes filled with sorrow
is this who i am?
lonely, empty
aching, longing
is there someone out there?
riches, rags
friends, foes
solitude, companionship
my worth?
nothing.....unless..
sharing, giving
happiness, belongingness
life, love
meaning

donna razon
Monday, July 28, 2003
10:29:57 PM

pag-asa ng bukas

2005-01-13T20:03:00.001+08:00

bagong simula...
isang umagang kay ganda...
dahil ba sa natamong kalayaan..
o dahil sa isang paglisan...
malamig na hangin...
sa gabing tahimik..
dahil ba sa pagtila ng ulan..
o dahil sa pag-iwan sa nakaraan...
matatamis na salita...
batid bago talikuran...
isang pagsuyong hindi inaasahan..
ang pangakong sa pagbalik..
kahit kailan ay hindi na muling magpapaalam...

donna razon
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
11:45:45 AM

pag-asa ng bukas

2005-01-13T20:03:00.000+08:00

2-in-1 (poems)

2005-01-13T19:58:00.000+08:00

minsan nakakapagod ang buhay..
may mga pagkakataong gusto mo ng sumuko..
gusto mo ng mamatay na lang para tumigil ang sakit...
gabi gabi ka'y umaasa na sana ang bukas ay may dalang magandang balita...
kasabay ng kabiguang iyong pilit na tinatalikuran ay ang lumbay na walang katumbas...
ang pag-iisang dati mong kinatatakutan at pilit iniiwasan ang siyang kaisa-isahang kat'wang sa buhay...
tanong sa sarili kung kailan hihinto ang pag ikot ng mundo..
kung kailang titigil ang unos...
kailan ba sisikat muli ang isang magandang bukas..
kailan ba muling iinit ang malamig na gabi..
kailan ba may makakapansin..
na sa aking mga ngiti may luhang ayaw papigil...

liham na puno ng kuwento
sa mga lumipas na pagkakataon...
salitang hindi masabisabi..
yakap na inaasam..
halik na hinahanap hanap..
ang distansyang pilit kinakalimutan...
ang pagmamahal na pilit pinaglalaban...
sulyap na hinihintay..
matang taglay ang pagsuyo..
araw araw..
ang pagdating mo'y inaasam...

Donna Razon
August 16, 2003
Saturday 11:14 P.M.

gaano ako kalayo

2005-01-13T19:53:00.000+08:00

Isang lingon bago ka tuluyang umalis.
Isang luha mula sa matang nalulumbay
Sa paglisan ng pagmamahal na habang buhay mong inasam.
Isang matamis na ngiti,
Kasabay ang pagkinang ng iyong mga mata.
Isang mahigpit na yakap sa buong araw ng kalungkutan.
Isang simpleng sulyap na nakakapagpabago ng kulay ng mundo.
Isang saglit na pagdampi ng ating mga kamay.
Di na kailangan pang sabihin
ang mga salitang panandaliang nawalan ng kabuluhan…
Mga pangakong binitiwan ay nawalan ng saysay..
Ang iyong pagtakas sa mga salitang inusal…..
Isang pagtalikod sa pagmamahalang
Inakalang binigyang buhay…

Donna Razon
August 13, 2003
Wednesday 1:42 P.M.

a child's memory

2005-01-13T19:21:00.000+08:00

when you left i felt a part of me was taken. it's more than being a child whose candy was stolen. for years i kept on wondering about you. if my life could have been different if i still have my friend. i dremt as i grew up of finding you once again. we'll play after school and just basically see each other in school the following morning like we're both strangers. as years go by, i forced myself to believe that i'll never ever going to see you again. i miss you so much but i couldnt tell you. for i think you will not understand. i kept on longing for you to write me a letter. i kept on looking at the mailbox just in case the angels found you. you're my friend long before i could understand the meaning of friendship. once in a while, thought of you slips into my conciousness. i tried so hard to forget but the thought of you just couldnt be erased in memory. my memory. i kept on asking myself for the reason why i feel this way. up to now, i still couldnt find the answer. i wish to see you, longed to be with you, feel the way i used to when i'm with you. its been years and i've given up hope. i thought i forgot how it feels like to know that you're there. before just yards away now even if its just some small miles away, i still feel the same way. the same when we're just little kids. i wish i could tell you how i feel. i guess years change a lot of things. i guess i will never be able to say it to you. i guess it will just be a wish that i have to keep for myself. but still a spark of hope is left in my heart replacing the part that has always been with you where ever you go. i miss you friend! i want to be with you just like when we're kids. i just hope you know. i just pray that you feel the same way....

farewell

2004-12-21T13:04:00.000+08:00

sometimes we often regret the things we did, the words we said, the actions we took, the decisions we made, and the chance that we just let to pass by. What I regret the most are those that made me say "what could have been..what might have been.." i often wish for alot of things never realizing that what i hvae is more than what i need. and what was and is given to me is more than what i thought i want. Once, i met this wonderful person. i told myself he's the one for me. he brings out the best in me. My life was pretty much complete at the time he came into my life but there are happy moments that are not bound to last. I bid him good bye with a heavy heart. a good bye i seemed to regret for most of the time before. for months i thought i made a mistake. for months i tried to convince myself that its for the best of the both of us. as i moved on, i was able to experience living life in grief but still i have to move on. A friend helped me and was/is still helping me. Our friends tease us because they saw that there's this certain chemistry that binds us together. a chemistry that made our friendship strong. he was there to listen, to care, and to help me pick myself up. Despite of everything, he never asked for anything in return. i regret the time that i didnt settle everything that i need to settle. i kept my life and the life of the one i used to love dearly hanging. I bid my farewell, and after almost a year and a half a happy and joyful goodbye to the one i loved. I felt happy, in fact joyful. not because of the freedom that i got but because of the thought that even if i lost him at least i was able to spend a part of my life with someone as great as he is.
===thank you for treating me the best way you can. i'm sorry but i have to say good bye to what i used to believe was mine. i felt that you're the one for me but i think we're not just ment to be. i'm sorry. i loved you with everything that i've got thinking and believing that it will be you but you gave up on me. i was willing to make all the sacrifices that is necessary but still you couldnt see that. i still love you because you're my coco (kuya). you'll always have a special place in my heart. i pray one day you'll find the girl that's right for you.===

sometimes

2004-12-07T17:40:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i'm not the same person that I was and am. I also wonder if the world will stop for me.. Guess what?! The world does not stop when you stop. Life can sometimes be cruel and sometimes it makes you say thank you for i exist. For the past couple of months, I stopped writing. Not completely though but I didn't took it as my priority. I'm afraid that everything that would come out of my head is just trash and that everything that will come out of my head especially my heart is just full of crap. I've been contemplating of how low I think of myself. How stupid i am and was to think that I dont deserve anything. Why not?! I always thought that everything that I have is too good for me and that I dont deserve them and they dont deserve me. I always believe that the people who loves me deserve a better person than me. I was a fool to believe a longtime perception that I'm nobody and that as a nobody I dont deserve anything. I am somebody. God made me because he loves me very much. I'm an expression of love not just of my parents but of God. Why would i think little of myself?! There's no reason for me to do so.. God loves me and I'm special to me and to the people who loves me. They are my blessing. I'm blest all my life and i fail to see that. often neglect the fact that i exist not just for myself but for other people as well. i can never be mother theresa but i can be donna who is not selfish enough to acknowledge the fact that i am blest and is still being bless. New Year's resolution: my resolution from now on: feel free to be yourself.

2004-11-11T19:15:00.000+08:00

Everybody, meet kalbo! The reason why I got the tagname "bata".

isang panalangin

2004-09-30T21:24:00.000+08:00

sa pagtatago ng liwanag
ang gabi'y nagmimistulang isang bangungot ng nakaraan
alaala ng sakit at hinagpis ang nagsilbing duyan
sa pagpikit ng mata, isang mukha ang hinanahanap
daing ng puso'y tagos hanggang kaluluwa.
umaasa na sana'y sa muling pagmulat
dala ng iyong ngiti ang isang umagang kay ganda.
ang araw ay nagtatago
ang lamig ay nagdiriwang
sapagkat ang katawan ay unti unti nang nababalutan
handa na sanang sumuko
handa nang magpapdala sa ulan
handa nang harapin ang pinagpipilitang katapusan
sa nalalapit na pamamaalam patak ng luha ang sana'y iiwan
unting unting nabalot ng hamog hanggang ang hininga'y animo'y isang malamig na usok na lamang
sa huling pintig ng puso, sa huling patak ng luha,
sa dahan dahang pagbagsak,
isang mainit na kanlungan ang buong pusong umagapay
unti unti ang hamog ay napawi
sa panibagong init na dala,
ang araw ay nag diwang
ang hamog ay animong isang batang napahiya
sa paglisay hindi na nagpasintabi pa
ang pagkakahagkan ay lalong pinaghigpitan
sa takot na ito na ang katapusan
nangangambang hindi na muli mapagbibigyan
ang pusong nananangis
ang pusong nagaalala
ang pusong umaasa na sana'y mabigyan pa ng pag-asa
dahan dahan ang mga mata'y iminulat
ang hamog na bumabalot sa hininga'y
muling nag-init; nagkaron ng buhay
sa muling pagpintig ng puso
isang ngiti ang bumungad
isang panalangin sinambit na kailan ma'y wag na sana muling lilisan.

to a friend from a friend in need

2004-09-10T13:34:00.000+08:00

I’ve been trying to figure out how to pick myself up and never lose hope. I’ve been trying to make myself feel that I’m brave and strong enough to handle everything and anything that life brings. Lately, I’m beginning to doubt myself. I started to feel a shivering soul within me, like a child who is lost and couldn’t find her way back. I’ve been telling you that I’m scared, so scared that I always ended up crying and asking my creator to just please take all of these away. But there’s no such thing as an easy way out of life’s lecture. I guess I have to be strong. I have to find the strength within me and not from other people. Strength only God can give. I thank you for praying for me. I thank you for making time to listen and for the comfort you bring. Thank you because you helped me make it through the nights when I feel like I’m starting to give up. Thank you because you were there for me when nobody can. I never honestly expected you would, that’s why I’m thankful for every second we spent talking. You might not notice but thank you for making me laugh the last time we talked over the phone.
Maraming Salamat po for being my friend!

P.S.
By the way, the issue ‘bout the kinda’ guys different girls like. Again, I’m not so sure about it. The only thing that I’m sure of is that people will always remember how you make them feel. And making somebody laugh when it is impossible to do so means a lot. Oh by the way, don’t forget to tell a girl that she looks pretty when she really is. [hindi yun pambobola ha! Such compliment will melt her heart and sweep her off of her feet! =)]

Fear and Pain goes hand in hand

2004-09-10T13:31:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I last posted a journal. I've been busy not just with school works but also with my personal life. I've been experiencing the inevitable heartache that I was talking about in the other entry that I've posted. Mine is different. I'm facing a heartache I guess nobody can cure. I hate to say I don't believe in love any more. But I guess I'm starting to do that lately. Love betrays you when you least expected it and in the process of betraying you Love crushes your heart and weakens your soul. I keep on trying to tell myself everything will be all right in time. I keep hoping that the time will come when everything is going to be just fine and not a blemish of hatred is left. My heart keeps on shouting, trying to tell my mind not to think anymore. For in the process of thinking another emotion will evolve and my heart will start to feel again. I wanted to be numb. For a restless heart is as worse as a restless soul. For my soul cannot be as lively as it was until my heart finds its home.
Compensating and compromising is the two words that are very easy to come by these days. You compensate the hurt with finding more blessings in you life and make it the reason for you to move on. You compromise with people to be able to still cling on to a peaceful existence. Love, though I've been trying to avoid, started to make my heart see what my eyes cannot visualize. Love sought the hurt and the pain within me. Love woke up the longing in my heart to belong. Love opened my eyes to the reality that I'm really alone. These all came about for the reasons I cannot conceive at the moment.
They say that there are only three basic emotions: Fear, anger, and rage. Love originates from fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of not belonging to somebody. All these I fear. I fear of waking up in the morning and finding not enough reason to face the day. Fear of ending a day without feeling of completeness, of wholeness within me. Fear that one day I might wake up and find nobody’s there for me. Fear that one day I might not just know myself.
I’m a very scared child. So scared that my whole body is shivering from the cold it brings. It has a certain chill that goes down my spine that penetrates the soul, my soul.
A friend told me (I guess reassuring me) that everything would be all right. He told me to hang on. He also told me I couldn’t give what I don’t have, which is Love.

Unexpressed Anger

2004-09-10T13:28:00.000+08:00

I was away for a while at least in my head. My mind ventured into places my body cannot go to. I hid and found comfort in my thoughts, thoughts of having a perfect, peaceful, and happy life. But then again, I have to wake up to reality and find a life that needs to deal with lots of stress and deal with people who causes stress. For several days, I think, I was angry most of the time. I see people who just don’t care about other people. Simple example, I always ride a jeep on my way to school every morning and on my way back home after class. Inside the jeep are passengers seated not very comfortable with each other. If you are going to an interview, I suggest that you take either a bus or a cab on your way. It may be a little costly and a little expensive but it’s worth it. Imagine you’re wearing your best business suit or smart casual attire, and then go ride a jeep and you’ll be squashed until only your fingers up to your wrist is the only body part you can move. The drivers would fill the jeep as much passengers as it can contain. It maximizes the gas and the effort of the driver from driving. Well, not everybody inside the jeep is “socially responsible”. They would sit as if they’re in their respective homes and lounging at their sofas. It’s as if there are no people beside them. They don’t care if you’re squashed and tried every sitting position possible just to keep yourself from falling off of your sit. If you say something they’ll get angry with you and most probably pick a fight, you a standard bearer of being educated will just keep your cool and let it be. You don’t want to go down your level. Some people would say. But then again, how can this behavior be corrected if nobody will say something. A passive-aggressive person like me would just keep quite and stay calm and wish to the good Lord above to send karma to these kinds of people. I would say to myself, one day you’ll feel what it is like if you’ll be treated the way you’re treating us right now. You’ll regret what you did. Then next stop, paying your fare. To able for your payment to get to the driver, you must ask your fellow passengers to please hand it over to the driver. PLEASE. Then you say thank you for what they just did. Again some people (worse its like a social disease that inflicts other people in the jeep) wouldn’t just mind. Imagine you’re at the other end and you have to hand over your fare to the other end with these people (whatever you want to call them) would just let you be in that position for almost over 5 minutes. They just hand over your payment to the driver if they seemed to realize that nobody’s handing it over. Some kind of a social loafing!! Most of the time I wanted to scream and tell them; “Hey you! Go to Hell!” or “Stupid! A*%&*@E!” but then again I have to keep my cool. I get angry at these kinds of situations. Why? People always complain that the government is not doing anything to make life better for the “less privileged”. Expect somebody to clean up you act?? Is stupidity! How can you expect other people to care about you when you yourself couldn’t care less about others? Everything starts from small things and from the person itself and from within. If people would just be humans, this world will be a very beautiful place to live in. We came from apes (Charles Darwin and his followers propose) but that doesn’t give us the reason to act like animals. We are higher than they are because we have intelligence. We’re intellectual beings. But the way some people are acting, I’m beginning to doubt it.

Aftermath of Love: A day filled with heartaches

2004-07-23T18:02:00.000+08:00

I was having a bad day earlier today. 7 o’ clock in the morning and I’m ranting as if there’s no tomorrow! My friend laughs at me for doing that. I, up to now couldn’t specifically pin point why it turned out to be a bad day. I guess the night before I was harassed because I have to change my schedule for the weekend, which is very difficult to do when your broken hearted friends are counting on you to help them make it through a painful day/ night. I wanted to help them and it is very painful to hear them and read their text messages. They are my friends who laugh life out. They don’t bluff but they don’t take life easily either. They just make life seemed easy to bear. This time around the unbearable came. And it’s hard for me to see them this way. I wish I could take the pain away. I wish I can just zap everything and make them feel fine. But what makes me hurt for them is that I cannot do anything to make them feel better. All I can offer is my shoulder to cry and my friendship.

One of my three friends who were facing the inevitable heartache told me that he’s happy for he never laughed the way he did since his “wife” left him. I was deeply touched. He’s one of those friends who would always make you laugh your heart out but this time I was able to repay him for making me laugh all these years. After talking he sent me a text message. I’m used to him calling me his sister. (Sis!) He would usually text me, “How’s my favorite sis’ been doing?” I would reply with, “Just fine! How ‘bout you?” Sometimes I would ask him if I’m still his favorite sis. He would say yes and succumb to my way of making lambing. Last night was different. He called me “my girl”. I was deeply touched not in a romantic way though. I never knew that I mean so much to my best friend. He reassured me that no matter what I do and that no matter what happens he would always be there for me. He’ll support me in anything and be there when I fall. He also told me not to call him Rav anymore. He said that he changed a lot and he wants to be called by his real name, which is Ralph! The whole time I felt like I have to console my favorite bro but it ended up him consoling me. I told him that he doesn’t deserve to hurt the way he is hurting. He’s a good boy and I believe that he’ll be a good and descent man in the future. Before we ended our phone conversation, he told me that “ Tandaan mo Donna, Mabait kang babae. Hindi ka dapat nasasaktan/ sinasaktan.” I almost cried.

I’m going to meet another friend tomorrow. He’s a friend of mine since first year high school. Every time we talked it felt like he’s always fascinated with me, in such a way that I couldn’t explain. He’s a very sweet and thoughtful friend. He visited me in the hospital when I was sick and needed to be confined. He ‘s also facing the inevitable heartache brought about by the aftermath of love. I thought it was going to be tiring to hear all of them talk about how hurt they are but actually it’s not. They make me feel how bless I am. I wish that I could do the same for him as well.

The other friend? Well, I’m not going to share with you her story but who knows may be in the future. It’s a very complicated situation and still very crucial. I’m just going to leave her a message. Hoping Chips Ahoy will be able to read.

Nasabi ko na sayo kung ano tingin ko sa nangyayari. I’m not saying that what I’ve said is the truth. It’s just another angle for you to look at. It hurts me to see you this way. God knows I’ve been where you are right now. Its hard to let go of something you consider your life admit it or not. It’s also painful to see the eyes of the one you love sparkle because of somebody else. It makes you want to just shout out loud “Hey! I’m here!” whenever he’s with the person he loves. He’s your world, your life, the reason behind your smile, the sun in which your life revolves, the one who makes you want to get up every morning, and makes you hate the night because you couldn’t see/ be with him. He’s the first and the last person you think of everyday. He’s actually the only person you think of most of your waking and dreaming hours. The thought of him makes your world go gaga over senti songs and mushy stuffs. The sight of him makes your day complete. Your heart jumps almost out of your body when he’s near or around. The feeling makes you anxious in the anticipated text message from him. You feel that the world is a better place to live in. You feel that you can do anything as long as he’s around. He makes you feel like you’re his reason to breathe, to live, and to laugh. He makes you feel that this world will be incomplete with out you. Then suddenly, you wake up one day finding out he can never be yours. And worse he’s gone. All the prayers and all the hoping against hope were suddenly put to an end. Now, you ask yourself, what will I do now? Should I stay? Should I leave? Your heart says you should stay. May be in the future, he’ll realize and see how wonderful you are. But your mind says you should leave and still keep apart of you intact. It’s a heartache that I have to deal and cope up with for a long time. I was crushed and hurt. I was an empty then shattered crystal wine glass. I don’t have any idea how to pick myself up. But I was able to leave with it and move on with life. How? I took one day at a time, one second/ minute/ hour at a time. I deal with it little by little until I was able to completely recover. It’s a phase in life that everybody has to go through. Nobody said that it’s easy but nobody also said that it’s impossible. I had my friends and my family to help me move on. I was bless with friends just like you who were very patient and loving to listen to me and be there every time I break down into tears. Then I found God helping me make it through the loneliest night. I was miserable and crushed. I don’t have the integrity to last me my daily life. But I soon realized that I lost the person I love the most but I gained more than what I’ve lost. I gained not just true friends, a good and stable relationship with my parents, but also I gained myself, my ego, my self-esteem, and I found my faith. Don’t say it’s hard or that it’s not going to work out, unless you try. Stubbornness is a merciless teacher. Take the class with her she’ll crush you like you’ve never been crushed before but surely you’ll grow more and find the real you. I don’t want to dictate what you should or shouldn’t do. It’s up to you really. I’m just here just in case you need a friend. It’s not bad to cry. Hurting is a normal process to go through. Just let yourself feel for a moment, breathe for a moment, then fight when you regained your strength. Don’t rush things. It’ll make matters worse.

2004-07-15T19:53:00.000+08:00

I miss you Bambi!! yikee!!! the BANAHAW DAYS!!

2004-07-15T19:45:00.000+08:00

Where is Bituin???

Somebody to call my own??or Somebody to share life with??

2004-07-15T19:18:00.000+08:00

“ Eve was not taken out of Adam’s head to top him, neither on his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him.”

-Matthew Henry’s commentary on Genesis

I was reading a book written by Joshua Harris. The title of the book is Boy meets Girl. Nope! Sorry it’s not what you think! This book is not a romance novel or the usual boy meets girl love story. This is actual a book that can enlighten not just couples but also single people into handling their relationships/ future relationships. It’s a sequel to his first book, “I kissed dating goodbye!”

Why talk about this book? I read the first book which is I kissed dating goodbye. I learned a lot from it, especially how to move on with life after a failure in relationship and how to deal with the wrong perceptions with regards to dating. I was going through the notion of actually saying goodbye to dating. It’s the time when I broke up with my former Chinese boyfriend. I must admit that it took me quite some time to figure it out. The first few months of dealing with the pain and heart ache was tough and to deal with my inner longing for him to come back was a battle I thought I was going to lose at that time. I waited for him to come back but as days go by I felt like it’s going to be impossible. A friend, Sophia Tachos, lend me her sister’s book (I kissed dating goodbye). I found God and myself not just through the book but with the help of my friend as well. After several months, I was able to move on and face life with a different perspective in mind. I made it to a point that if ever I’m going to enter into a relationship my parents should approve of it. If they don’t, then forget it. I learned that in time God would show me the right person at the right time and at the right point in my life.

He did actually show me the right person. There were no sparks, fireworks, or even the voice of angels singing. That person came out of the bloom and it was very unexpected. We didn’t kick it off that well at first. We broke up a lot of times; we’re still friends though, trying to settle our differences and especially both our lives. The person is right but the timing isn’t. We recognized that the timing isn’t right, that’s the reason why we both decided to be just friends. We wanted to settle our lives first and be the best person that we can be apart. This way we wont end up hurting each other more than we can handle. It works very well. Everyday there’s something new. We feel that we’re both growing as individuals, and our relationship grows deeper as we mature. Now, at the moment we’re trying to fight the temptation of giving in to a commitment we both know that we’re not that prepared for. It’s been more than a year now but things keep getting better and better each day. Our goal is to graduate first then afterwards we can talk about our future, this time not as friends but something more than that.

I wanted to share this to the whole wide world. For I believe somehow a lesson in life needs to be shared. I tried telling it to a close friend but she couldn’t understand. I guess in time she will.

I found not somebody to call my own. Instead, I found somebody to share life with. I found somebody to belong to. If you ask me if I’m still lost, I still am but not as lost as I was few years ago. I found a home! My home! I found it in my heart but it comes with a responsibility though. I have to clean it up so that it’ll be a place where Jesus can stay.

Angel?! My Angel?!

2004-07-12T12:06:00.000+08:00

How should I call that white person that I saw last Saturday? White meaning a white a lady, a ghost, a lost spirit, a soul or a friend waiting for some body to recognize her? I told my mom what I saw. It was very different from my previous encounters. This time it's not brief and it felt something different apart what I used to feel every time I have an encounter. For the first time she didn't caught me by surprise. I saw her standing by the door in one of the shower rooms in our school. She was looking at me as I wash my face. I look back at her as I saw her white dress. I wasn't able to see her face that much. I saw that she's a brown skinned woman, not as tall as I am (a little shorter), short black hair, I couldn't tell if she's beautiful. As what I've said earlier this encounter is different from the rest because I saw her face and there's color. What I usually see are white or sometimes black human-like figures with their feet floating a 12 inches from the ground. I wasn't able to see if the girl I saw was floating, when I look back at her for the second time around she's gone. A very close encounter. My mom said may be she's my angel. I thought for a second and recollected my thoughts of my guardian angel. Yes! I'm able to see my guardian angel. Sounds weird?! May be! My guardian angel is tall, white, he doesn't have wings though, but I can tell by his figure that he's beautiful. Most of the time he's with me when I pray at night. I used to say I'm sorry to him for being such a very hard headed. I haven't seen him for quite some time though. I guess things change but that change mostly occurred within me. I envisioned my gift, as a curse that I wished it would just go away. It did I lost it for quite a long time and now I'm still trying to regain my gift. Anyway, my mom also said that may be she's an angel who watches over me or she could be warning me of something bad that might happen. Mom added that may be its because I usually swim alone and shower alone in the bathroom in school. May be she's warning me of something with regards to these two things. I'm not scared though I'm bothered. I wonder what my new found angel could be telling me.. I wonder what she wants to tell me.. I asked one of my Psychology Prof about dreams that always came true.. He said if he has that gift he would use it for the good of others. How can I do that?! I don't know!
It’s a gift that scares the hell out of me! But it is also helpful when I feel lonely I know that I'm not always alone..(Even if I'm the only one who knows that they are there).
==to my new found angel: I'll pray for you==

Sleepy head!

2004-06-24T11:38:00.000+08:00

I'm currently doing my speech for an English class. I couldn't decide which is which from what is what. Well honestly, I was up late last night. I was talking to anya (not sure with the spelling) trying to catch up with him. Lately, I just found all the time to catch up with people I somehow couldn't find the time to talk to before. (sorry) It's nice to know that he's doing great. I also sent a text message to my special "someone/friend" last night. I told him that I'm doing fine and that I feel much better. I also thanked him for always being a text message or a phone call away. I'm very happy more than words can describe. Sounds ironic with what I've written last time but honestly I am happy despite my nurtured heart ache. Happy because God became very visible in times of my wreckage through other people who made me feel that they'll always be by my side no matter what.
" I want to thank you (yeah! you!)! I'm not quite sure if you'll be able to read this but deep in my heart I wish you would. Thank you not just because of what you're always willing to do for me. But also for giving me the time to rediscover myself, stand up for who I am apart from what we share, and be a strong person. I know you don't say much but you made me feel more than words can express.
You have this habit of telling me that you love me once in a blue moon especially when I'm not expecting that you would. I most of the time doubted you because of it. But you never did complained when I get to jelous of a not so reasonable situation. Instead, you'll just tell me how much you love me or you'll do something special that will make me feel how much you care. I could go on and on telling you how thankful I am with the little things you do but I fear that the meaning or the feeling might go away. I just want to own this moment and make it last as long as it can. I love you!"
(i dont have time to check for typo-error, spelling and gramar.sorry)

How to mend a broken heart?

2004-06-23T18:34:00.001+08:00

Let me share apart of me that I dont usually tell other people, all these years I've been nurturing a heartache that seems to be sometimes very unbearable. My heart was broken alot of times not just because of a Shakespeare who wants to play Romeo in my life. This situations does not require a major skill and sometimes is not a life changing event. I've been nurturing a heartache inside me.
I used to do a lot of simple 'relaxing-breathing' exercises believing that somehow it will relieve the brain squeezing pain of a migraine. If it works, the following morning I have to do my yoga position, which I personally invented to suit my "needs", to relieve my stiff neck. If it works, I have to practice my slow breathing exercise which the doctors in the emergency room of one of the hospitals which I frequently visit at that time taught me. The slow breathing exercise is for me to regulate the air that I take in and breath out. In short, for me not to hyperventilate. People may think- Oh! This girl is very stressed out!, but I'm very sorry to say am not. I assumed that I'm not. You see I'm one of the many "Denial Queens" you can ever think of.
I deal with these exercises almost everyday of my life few years ago. This is how I deal with pain and stress. I'm a Psychology major student. After a couple of years taking up my major courses I came to realize that these pains are the "obvious" signs that I'm repressing too much. What do I mean? I'm trying to erase what happened to me and how it made me feel. The results are: nightmares, body aches, hysteria, defense mechanisms,etc., etc.
What I was repressing back then was and is something that was and is/still haunting me today. You see I have this undying love for my family. I consider it my life at that time and still a big part of me right now. What will you do when the only thing you consider your life falls apart? Run? Hide? Where?
I was completely caught in the middle of no where and everywhere. I do not have a strong faith that could last me my whole life but what I have were friends. Most of them are not so good in influencing you but there are quite few who really helped me stand up. As years go by, I learned how to deal with it. I learned how to be brave. I learned how to succeed even if tides are too strong. I give credit to a friend who has been there for me since day one of my wreckage up to the point of success. He did not pamper me, which i practically want everybody to do to me. He challenged me to pick myself up and do not let this event take me down.
I am way beyond that time and incident in my life. But the heart ache still remains as the problem resurfaces. This time around I know how to deal with it. Though it hurts me to see how my family is starting to fall apart, I know and believe that tomorrow will be a brand new day. You see there's a miracle we do not usually see and give credit. There are things, problems, issues, and heart aches that tend to just fix themselves alone. In time, all wounds will be healed. In time, we will learn how they mean to us but hopefully I pray when they are still with us.
I dedicate not just this part of my blog but also a part in my heart (big part of my heart) to those who hated me and love me through the years. I'm a big pain in the ass and I have this way of getting into other people's nerves, I know that! I'm sorry! Really sorry!
I do not usually got the chance to thank you. This time I'm making sure that some where out there in time all of you will be able to read this and feel how much I value the love and friendship you gave me.
Few years ago a friend helped me make it through the darkest night. Now, though with the help of my new found friends, I know and firmly believe that I can make it through.
At that point of my journey, I rediscovered life. At that point, I found and recognize a higher being. I started to believe to that higher being more than I used to. Now, He helped me find who I am, apart from the person who I think I am.
I did got a bonus. God gave me not just what I think I need but even more than I need. He did not gave me what I want but what he did gave to me is another item in my list of the things I am thankful for.
See I got more than what I bargained for! =)
Keep hoping, have a lot of faith and patience. God put you in it, He'll make sure you'll make it thru it.

Right Way To Love

2004-06-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

1 If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or clshing cymbal. 2And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, 5 it is not rude, it does not seek its own interest, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, 6 it does not rejoice over wrong doing but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongue they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. 9 For we know partially and we prophesy partially, 10 but when the perfect time comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man I put aside childish things. 12 At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then i shall know fully, as I am fully known. 13 So faith, hope, and love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-13

I keep on asking God how to stop the pain that goes hand in hand when you love someone. He did not zap it or with just a blink of an eye everything changed. He made me feel the pain to realize how to really love. Loving somebody means that you have to love them in a Godlike manner and in following Christ. What I mean to say is that we love by not expecting anything in return, by not looking for the benefits that we can get, and lastly not to satisfy the deeply rooted longing to be complete. Loving in a Godlike manner and in following Christ means that we have to love by being a brother and a sister to the people we love. A brother and a sister in Christ (in Faith). Its difficult to channel everything out to God. Its hard not to have reserves. Nobody said that it's going to be easy and quick. It takes time, faith and a lot of patience. Every second of my life I struggle to surrender to God everything. There were times that I failed to do so but it cant stop me from trying over and over again. I know God will help me. And as I go on with my journey, I learned that loving is sharing not just who you are, one must share his or her faith. Why faith? Everything we do we must do it to glorify God. He made us out of his overflowing love without thinking of what He will get after. We should also do the same not just to ourselves but also to others whom God created out of His overflowing love as well.

North Star/ Polaris

2004-06-18T15:02:00.000+08:00

If Christmas has its own star that leads the 3 wise men to the east to find the messiah, at present fishermen and people who sail have their own star too. The polaris is being used as a guide in navigating the ships, sails, or boats in the sea. This star doesn't move and stay in its course that's why people rely on it to find their way back.
As for me, I just have to find that brightest and shinniest star in the darkest night rather than assuming that I could be that star.

**a child still trying to find her way home**

My Journey

2004-06-18T12:17:00.000+08:00

I believe that life is a journey, a voyage and more of a cruise in the biggest and widest ocean. As we go along with it, there are times that we get lost and find it difficult to find our way back. I theorized that I came in this world with a mission, that is, to search for something. Upto now I still dont know what I'm looking for. But guess what?! I found more than what I bargain for.